Bette Middler can Bite me

Man, I can't stand Bette Middler. She's not even funny in the Simpsons. You know your a piece of turd when the Simpsons can't make you awesome. For example, I also hate Mark Hammill. Star Wars would have been cooler if Darth and Palpatine ganged up on Luke skywalker and sabered him in a million pieces and then fed the pieces to Jabba the Hutt. But, when Mark Hamill was on the Simpsons. He was cool. No wait, he still was an arse. But so is Bette, so my point still remains.

Whats worse, is that somehow some dolt thought it would be a good idea to put her show on DVD. Whats worse, is that another dolt thought it was a good present for his mum for her birthday. The second dolt was me. Whats worse, is that mum decided to watch the fucking DVD.

I don't really know what Bette looks like, but that didnt stop me drawing a picture of a scene i was hoping for in the said DVD:


Of course, there was no such scene. As that would have made the DVD awesome. Instead, she sung shitful songs. She opened with some cheesy god awful broadway esque sounding song, that if it was ever done on broadway, would cause the entire broadway place to disintegrate due to embarrassment. She said "Shit, im hot" a lot. and the middle aged audience, including my folks, pissed themselves laughing. Shit, she's not hot. Shit, she's, well... shit. And after that, she did some stand up routine about medicinal marijuana. Robin Williams is funny. Billy Connoly is funny. Bette Middler is NOT funny. When she tried to be funny, I said "SHUT UP AND SING!".

She than proceeded to sing. I then realised the error in my last rebuke by telling her to shut up and sing. Cause she did another shitful song. And another one. And one that went "Im a fucking star". And all the middle agers laughed again cause she swore. It was another broadway esque song, that would have caused a riot in broadway as all the posh toffs ran around screaming "OW my ears!"

She than tried to be funny again. She really isn't. Chronic diahrrea is more funny. I would rather have chronic diahrrea than listen to this shit. At the moment, im doing a Vincent Van Gogh and removing my ears. I know it should be painful, but im tough as nails and get all warm and fuzzy.

Oh great. Now she is reminiscing about the 70s, pretending to be such a rebel 70s chick. She just did a cocaine story and the people laughed even though there was no joke, she just mentioned the word cocaine. As if Bette Middler was a rebellious 70s chick. She was probably 70 in the 70s. Oh she said fuck again. More laughing. Oh she just mentioned bet wetters. She would know. Incontent old bitch.

Enough complaining about Bette. I've decided to help her, to make her a better entertainer. So here's my 5 tips to help Bette:

1. Never EVER EVER release any more albums, DVDS, cassettes, MP3s. In fact, enforce a restraining order on yourself to keep you away from recording studios
2. Forget concerts. Forget shows. If you do one, let the only people suffer from the show the suckers who payed for it. They had it coming. Don't let innocent victims sit through your shit in DVD formm
3. Be cooler on the Simpsons. If you were cool on the Simpsons, i woulda watched the DVD

No, I can't be bothered. 3 will do. Im going to sit on a freeway and hope a mack truck ends my misery.

So i suppose you can say im not a middler fan.